About

Abstract

Tager Nil is an anagram of Integral, and Integral is the word I use to refer to my Red Flag Buddy. The purpose of Tager Nil is to Liberate The Mind from suffering and enjoy The Symbiotic Mind.

The Symbiotic Mind is the mental experience of calm wisdom even in the face of adversity. I came to the experience of The Symbiotic Mind through a series of events, and I will summarize these events here in a story.

Preface

I used to call him the Red Flag Guy before he became my Red Flag Buddy, aka Integral.

When he was the Red Flag Guy, he would show up briefly, sometimes as a feeling, sometimes as a few words, and usually I would remember this feeling or those words, months or years later, when reminiscing on a mistake.

You could also call him the Gut Feeling Guy, but then it would be easy to confuse him with someone else. What I mean by this is that there are at least two types of gut feeling. There’s a subtle one that raises a red flag when it notices a small detail that indicates something could be wrong.

And there is another gut feeling which is powerful, and turns the stomach upside down, and it feels like impending doom. I am going to attribute these two gut feelings to two different entities: the big one is the Ego, when it knows something bad is going to happen soon. 

The little one is the Red Flag Guy, aka Integral, and it is very subtle, and doesn’t really know if something bad is going to happen, it just knows that there is a small detail that appears out of place, and that it thinks you should be aware of.

So that’s the Red Flag Guy, and I hope you have one, whether it is male or female, or something else, because if you have one, then it can become your buddy, your Red Flag Buddy, aka Integral, and the following story is about how I came to learn this.

Summary

I was in a bad place, mentally. I’m not going to sugar coat it, I was in the middle of a suicide attempt. I won’t go into many details, but I am going to highlight one part of the story. I placed a gun in my mouth nine times, over a nine hour period. Nine cycles. All identical. 

Each cycle started and ended in the same way. It started with a loud voice in my head describing the plan, the reason, the activity. I’d put the gun in my mouth and start to pull the trigger. Each time, a quiet voice in my head said “this doesn’t make sense”. I’d stop, and repeat the cycle.

The tenth time didn’t happen, because something snapped me out of the event. After the event, one thing stayed with me, and that was the awareness of two separate entities in my mind. One was loud with a lot of things to say, and one was quiet with one thing to say. 

“This doesn’t make sense”. I had doctors who recommended increasing my drugs, and putting me on a tighter monitoring schedule. But, with full respect, I declined, and rejected any further support, against strong resistance from them. 

I was not in my right mind, of course, and I don’t recommend my path, but something valuable happened as a result of this bad decision. I decided to support the Red Flag Guy, equip him for the next event, make him my buddy, because he clearly had my best interests at heart, and in my mind.

This is when the Red Flag Guy became my Red Flag Buddy. I found a paper online, for which I could only access the abstract, but it claimed the difference between suicides and non-suicides was the difference between fixating on one idea, and being able to find alternate ideas.

That resonated with me. I realized my idea for suicide, which was based on an event at work, was a bad idea, but also singular. I had no other ideas in my head, and it turned out to be incorrect, since the event at work was a simple case of competition.

Someone at work was undermining me for their own survival, because I was a threat, without realizing it, and I saw the attack as something different. If I could see the reality of the situation, my Red Flag Buddy would be able to tell me more about what didn’t make sense.

The second thing I realized was that all the information I needed to equip my Buddy, what I would later term my Integral, was in the words of my head. I had become a prolific journaler, analyzing myself, and I had noticed that seeing the words in my head on paper had impact on me.

Seeing my words on paper had given me perspective, and could change me. I reasoned that my Buddy, my Integral, could benefit in the same way. But it would need some processing first, to make it easy for my Buddy to use effectively. I needed a process to do the leg work for him.

So I went to work on an algorithm. I was a systems engineer, so it was my job to find patterns. I applied my work techniques to myself, and searched for a procedure, a method, to illuminate the necessary pattern that would enable my Integral to defeat my Ego.

I found it, and then waited, and within a few months, the same thoughts, feelings, and plans started to emerge, all triggered by a similar work event. I recognized the pattern, and I sat down and performed my procedure. 

The procedure involves simple steps of writing stream of consciousness, and processing the content but the effect had two consequences. The first was intentional, and successful. It snapped me out of my suicidal ideation and into the reality by offering alternate ideas, one being competition, again.

But the second consequence was unintentional. In the first moment I had the sudden realization that I had misunderstood what was happening, and had wrongly thought suicide was a good idea. But in the second moment, I suddenly saw the pattern of my Idea of Self from the outside.

Suddenly I recognized that I had applied the same pattern, over and over again, for my whole life. And this is when the second consequence took hold of my whole being. My mind and my body started to shake violently, literally. 

Over what must have only been a few seconds, I lost control of my mind and body. It was discombobulated. Disorientated. And then suddenly calm. I was sitting in my cubical at work, and I got up slowly and looked around. 

Everything looked exactly the same, but it all felt completely different. There was no sound in my head, and no feelings in my body. It felt like I had entered a hidden layer in a gam, a virtual reality, what I will one day call Liberated Reality.

I thought I had broken myself, and at first, I thought everything would return to normal, like being deafened for a few minutes by an explosion.

I couldn’t speak, because everything I wanted to say, sounded stupid. It was all about me. And yet, nothing appeared to be about me anymore. After a few hours I went home to my partner, who immediately assumed I was inebriated in some way. I explained what I had done.

She was fraught with fear, completely understandably, and urged medical attention. I declined because I felt great. What could I tell a doctor? What could they recommend for feeling great? We struggled. Days went by, and the voice in my head and feelings in my body did not return.

I began to lose urgency at work. Work started to notice. I started to worry. I searched for analogs, situations in which others had experienced the same thing, situations that could help me understand what I had done to myself. 

I found analogs in Tolle and Singer, at least in their experience, but not their methods. I had lost my partner within a few months, and I couldn’t afford to lose my job, so without other options, I followed Singer’s advice in The Surrender Experiment, and it worked fine, for the short term.

I dove into Yoga and Vipassana, and after a couple of years without a return to normal, I left my job to focus on trying to understand, and at least find an explanation for myself about what had happened to me. 

Conclusion

At the time of writing this, it’s been 6 years in this new normal, what I call Liberated Reality. The work contained in my first two books is the method to Liberate The Mind and the explanation of the experience of this liberation, what I call, The Symbiotic Mind.

Recommendation

See LiberatedReality.com for more.

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